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Over these 33 years of Entre Nous, I have pondered the odd and tortured legalese we use in our work, and the unique quirks of our noble profession. Much of this labor of love emanates from certain truths which afflict us. Lawyers are smart, often driven, but with all the other stresses we suffer as we chase changes in laws and rules, we curiously draw the line at acquiring new skills and technical expertise. I think that confronting that fear with humor allows us to share this unpleasant burden and alleviate that insecurity.
Early on, my comments were driven by frustration with our devolution into computer technology (“Intro to Computers”- Dec 1993), in which I explained the methodology for finding your documents in a “DOS” operating system, which “requires you to memorize a series of commands lifted directly off the Tomb of Nefertiti, and combine them with nonsense words and a procession of back-slashes….On the other hand, Windows puts you at the mercy of a plastic rat.”
Presciently, 30 years ago in “Day at the Office-2025”(Dec 1995), I describe my dystopian court assignment within the “Travis County Governmental Complex of Courthouses, Office Buildings and Skyscrapers.” Also, because “the computer research network is down, I frantically look for books. Unable to find any books, I make up new law in my client’s favor, which is quickly adopted as precedent. This renews my interest in becoming an appellate judge.”
The approach of the new millennium meant the rise and embrace of “Futurists”–easily the descendants of snake oil panderers. Decoding their confluent, incomprehensible jargon led to “Optimizing Your Planningazation” in June 2000. In this, we discuss futurists’ self-help books with titles like “Twenty Cents for Your Paradigms” and “Getting Past the Future.”
Technology companies, which have soared, crashed, rebounded, and depended on incredibly bright minds to prosper, have given me another rich area that I think can be adapted to assist the tens of thousands of lawyers trying to get noticed on Zoom, that is: Much more inventive job titles.
I have been fascinated by the creativity and range of modern job descriptions and titles that inspire employees, who are often doing the same thing every day, into believing that they are steadily rising up the ladder. (It reminds me of U.S. Navy Enlisted ranks and ratings: Machinist’s Mate 3rd Class turn the same bolts Machinist’s Mate 1st Class. But surely not with the same panache.) But go to any tech company’s employment website, and the range of open positions is simply indecipherable. Now, I admit that some of this is my own ignorance of those professions. I am sure that a “Fullstack Software Engineer” knows what that job entails, and it is unlikely to involve pancakes. But other names seem curiously vague: “Content Strategy Specialist,” “Enablement Specialist,” “Product Intelligence Analyst,” “Team Engagement Specialist,” and the intriguing “People Coordinator.”
But every position with such special names inspires me to think that we can do this with lawyers, and keep them interested in striving for that next lofty appellative designation. Ahh… I can hear it now!!
SCENE: PAT NEWBERRY, recent hire, is being introduced around the firm by Ima Zweisprecher, principal in the firm of Dites-on & Zweisprecher.
IMA: Welcome Pat, let’s go down to your new office in the Litigation Section, but first meet a couple of people here in the Estate Planning Section. Oh, here’s Bob Empezado, he’s Assistant Manager of Commencement.
PAT: Commencement?
IMA: Yes, He does the bereavement visit, the floral strategy, and makes sure the firm gets hired. Quite talented. And, gosh, here is Mary Wilson, she is an Attainment Coordinator here in Estate Planning.
PAT: What does she do?
IMA: Mary is a C.A.B.S.
PAT: C.A. .. ?
IMA: Cause of Action Billing Specialist. She ensures that every possible pleading and hour we can spend has been identified, completed, and billed. Her true genius is making sure the probate process extends to the very limit of legitimacy. You know, clients think they’re getting their money’s worth when we drag it out.
PAT: Wow. You’re really organized down here. How do you train new employees here?
IMA: It’s through the “T.I.P.” –you know–Talent Improvement Pool. You’ll be assigned an Experience Monitor, who will refer you to Mentor Strategies. That is a strategic synergy with an opportunity-based ethic. Play your cards right, and you’ll be an Attorney Engagement Mentor yourself in no time.
PAT: Wow. A.E.M.? Sounds great. Does that come with a raise?
IMA: No, but you get a nice sweater like Phil over there. And you’ll have to update your password. Well, here we are in the Litigation Section. You’re in Appellate, right?
PAT: Yes, I’m going to be a Private Property Mandamus Specialist.
IMA: Relator or Respondent?
PAT: Respondent.
IMA: Appellate or Original Jurisdiction?
PAT: Only Relators get original jurisdiction assignments, not me.
IMA: Of course. You’ll get there in about a year. I’ll hand you off to Tiger Carnes, O.T.S. of your section. You know, “Operational Team Strategist.”
TIGER: Hi, Pat. Welcome. Are you ready to draft some mandamus replies?
PAT: Yes sir. Is there a protocol?
TIGER: Great question. When you get your assignment, go to the RAC (Research Access Coordinator) for access to the I.A.D.S.–interconnection access demand system. You’ll need a new password. Then when you finish your first draft, you send it to our section’s C. A. S. for review.
PAT: C.A.S.?
TIGER: Comprehension Enablement Supervisor. We used to call him an editor. And if you haven’t filled out your new employee systems packet, go to the 4th floor and see the P.T.A.C.–People Team Assistant Chancellor. And you’ll need a new password. Any other questions?
PAT: Whom do I talk to about my I.O.O.H. notice?
TIGER: Huh? I.O.O.H?
PAT: I’m Out Of Here.
So, my friends, I say effusive denomination is key to employee satisfaction. But use it cautiously, because if they don’t believe you, you’ll probably have to give them raises. Or t-shirts. Those work, too.
Keep the faith.
The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of the Austin Bar Association membership or the Austin Bar Association board of directors.