This is what I know: Depression lies.
Depression will tell you that you aren’t successful, that you don’t deserve what you have. That you aren’t a good partner, parent, child, or friend.
Depression holds you hostage. It isolates you and warps your reality. It distances you from those who love you and whispers words of shame, doubt, and derision. It wrecks your self-confidence, your self-worth, and your relationships.
I say all this as a person lucky enough to have never suffered from the disease. But I loved someone who did. And it killed him.
Trevor was 47 years old when he died. He had a successful law practice, two wonderful children and a loving family, many friends and interests. He was smart, funny, and kind. He loved being a trial lawyer, was passionate about his cases and his clients, and was really good at it.
But depression told him he wasn’t any of these things. That he was a failure. That he wasn’t successful. That his family would be better off without him. These were all lies. But the incessant internal chatter of depression, of shame, doubt, and derision, drowned out the love and accolades. It made him deaf to the love and life around him.
Trevor had been through major depressive episodes before. He had been successful with therapy and medication. He knew the tools to manage his disease and had done so several times. He even reached out to other lawyers who were in crisis to offer support. But he never talked about wanting to die. When depression hit him hard again towards the end of 2016, I thought he had time to start treatment again. I had no idea that this time the lie that depression was whispering to him was that death was the only way out.
Trevor died by suicide on January 23, 2017. It started out like any other day–letting the dog out, taking the trash and recycling to the curb, making breakfast and lunches for the kids, and getting off to school and the office. It ended in tragedy.
You know the statistics. You‘ll have read them in this very journal. Depression and suicidal ideation is unfortunately all too common to the legal profession. According to a Psychology Today article this summer, the number of lawyers suffering from mental health issues comes close to or exceeds a quarter of our profession: 28 percent reported depression, 19 percent reported anxiety and 23 percent reported stress. The number of lawyers who have contemplated suicide is more than double the general population. And that’s just the numbers reported. From lawyers willing to talk about their issues and their weaknesses.
It’s not easy writing or talking about this. But I believe in the mission the Austin Bar has adopted this year to stop the stigma, and I’m so impressed with the others who have already stepped forward to share their stories. I was so touched that the ABA chose to walk in honor of Trevor and Aspen Dunaway in the Out of the Darkness Walk hosted by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I miss Trevor every day and am grateful for the remembrance.
The legal profession does not honor vulnerability. Because it’s a sign of weakness and of failure. And, for whatever reason, mental illnesses are viewed differently than other diseases. They’re still often seen as a weakness, instead of a genuine disease, a condition brought on by any number of factors including environment and genetics. But the strength that it requires to live with depression or anxiety is immense. The mental energy required to just get through a day can be exhausting. But if we can chip away at the stigma and allow our fellow lawyers to be vulnerable without judgment, I hope others can open up and reach out for help. Because it’s not a weakness. It’s just a disease like any other, and there is treatment and hope.
Depression robbed Trevor of hope. Please don’t let it rob you or someone you love. Reach out. Have a safety plan–someone who can just be with you to keep you safe. Until you can start treatment again. Because there is always hope.