I graduated from St. Mary’s University School of Law and was sworn in to the Texas Bar in 2012. However, there are days when I still feel like I’m a baby lawyer. Especially days when I make mistakes or instantly regret saying, or not saying, something.
Many attorneys are perfectionists. I am in most areas of my life. It is within an attorney’s nature to want to be right in our advocacy. Up until recently and still occasionally, I find myself going over mistakes, over and over again. Wishing I’d said something different or said anything at all. I am my own biggest critic. Growing up as an athlete, it was easier to avoid mistakes with practice and repetition. There are aspects of practicing law where we are able to do just that. Trial prep, practice, studying. But what about unpredictable areas? What about when a mistake happens even with the practice and preparation? Maybe not even a mistake, but an unfavorable outcome of a case or something completely out of your hands that feels like a mistake. Of course, this doesn’t just apply to us in the legal realms of our lives. I tend to be hard on myself about every single thing that goes wrong whether it is in my control or not.
I am particularly being challenged this year as president of AYLA, a mom of two toddlers, and learning new practice areas. For example, I take entirely way too much time (and energy) going back through each awkward or imperfect moment following AYLA events because I’ve set the expectation for me to be perfect. With any mistake I make, whether work-related or mom-related, I am so hard on myself and start to spiral and question my ability to meet the high standards I’ve created for myself or to be successful at all. However, I’ve gotten better about beating myself up and learned that all of this self-imposed pressure and concern mostly means that I care, a lot. In recent years, when I get into these intense negative feelings, I’ve repeatedly gone back to this sound advice that was given to me once I became a mom that I wish I’d had my entire life and especially at the beginning of my legal career as a “baby” lawyer. Seriously, this would have been great to practice through adolescence going into adulthood.
The advice is to give yourself grace. That’s it. Treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and forgiveness.
This advice has come from not just one person, but multiple as I’ve navigated new chapters these past few years. It’s how I am able to get out of that rut of being so hard on myself that it ruins an event or core memory for me. It helps me have the courage to ask questions when I am needing guidance and overcome the overwhelming feelings of disappointment when things don’t go as planned. Through the years of growing pains and surviving an array of unexpected life events on all levels of trauma and grief, I’ve navigated relationships, friendships, and connections of all types, and encountered many varieties of personalities For so many years, I have given grace to those around me, supporting them, understanding imperfections, and even embracing them, but I could not do the same for myself. Once I started practicing giving myself grace, it was like a new path was created for me to find joy and divert from negative thoughts and feelings. I know that I’m not perfect, so why do I create unrealistic expectations that take away from the good and positive things that my time and energy could be focused on? Learning to give myself grace is an everyday intention and practice. It has taken a complete re-wiring of years of habits of putting myself down when I don’t perform to my own expectations. There are times when I forget this advice momentarily, but it has definitely helped pull me out of situations and negative thoughts or feelings. My challenge to you as fellow attorneys and colleagues, no matter what chapter you’re in, or what you’re going through, is to give yourself grace when the fears and doubts creep in on your confidence.
As attorneys, we are continuously growing, learning, and developing skills. While some individuals constantly seem perfect, the reality is that we are going to make mistakes, go through growing pains, and regret decisions or actions. When that happens, it is important to keep in mind that you can make it to the other side if you give yourself grace, accept the imperfections, learn and grow going forward, and remember that you are incredibly resilient and strong.